My Existential Crisis – freestyle

Lorenzo hitting pier Porthcawl
By Marcus Woodbridge

My Existential Crisis |
Monday – January 12, 2026

Yes, it's that time of the year again. January... February... March, the time for reflection and contemplation. In February 2021, my mental world was turned upside-down, and this ruptured my emotional and inner tranquility, really it erased my confidence in who I was, where I was, and my place in this world – this was my existential crisis and my moment of detachment from the material world. I can't say here in January of 2026 that I've ever really recovered from this existential, or really metaphysical, crisis, but this doubt has still been more important than whatever material need I might have or may have had in my mind that I one day should emerge from the shadows and become "normal" again, become yet another material man. Yes, you may say that I exist at the necessary and unavoidable metaphysical tension between modernity and the past; this is why I no longer consider myself a man of progress, really a man of the future, and why I reject the concept of evolution, in its widest sense, and why I refuse to act as if I am becoming something, as if what the only thing my life is, is a product, a vector pointing towards some kind of destiny in material space, some kind of material future that tends towards the final solution, really my own dissolution, and yet modern men find comfort in this delusion of material grandeur. No, this conception of the world is an empty and barren landscape, really you could say the logical conclusion of modernity itself, it's own self-destruction and tendency to push all limits to their final destination, and in the end it all ends up at the same point, a new and necessary beginning at the start of a new cycle. But here we are in 2026 and modern men fancy themselves so superior that they have given themselves permission to completely replace God in the face of history, they and their sophistication is the only axiomatic truth to be discovered in the world, and this delusion and hubris of modern men is perhaps best summed up as the modern hysteria of constant worry and anxiety about being on the "right side" of history, and this seems especially intense today, now that most of our contemporaries have realized the absurdity in the assertion, the end of history, and you may even sense a slight existential crisis in this moment among modern men, not you should expect anything good to come from this.

    I tend to refer to myself as not being in the world, and by this I simply mean that contemplation, deep contemplation, has essentially removed me from the order and contingencies of material life, and from this higher point of view I can see things that most ordinary and material men can't see because they refuse to allow themselves to see them, but this does not make me nihilistic; it actually makes me quietly fatalistic, but only insofar as the material nature of the world is concerned and this is just as well, because there are no forces that can stop the tide of the cosmological order, and it seems therefore that it was ordained in the very remote past already that this should be the final and terminal phase of the Kali Yuga, and I think that this quiet realization has been the most enlightening part on my spiritual journey, because while I was in and an am still in a crisis, this has taught me that my own and personal crisis is merely an expression of the times that I am living in, really a world in a profound metaphysical crisis, where decline and corruption reign supreme and where hope for a restoration, even a temporary one, is out. Again, this is not nihilism, it's at most a form of metaphysical fatalism, but this fatalism of metaphysical proportions was not a point that I reached without much struggle and effort to not see the world as it was; I only reached this point after much contemplation and mental confusion, really at the peak of my own existential crisis. You may say that I reached this point only after initiation, but initiation without proper and skillful means, and this is really at the core of my existential crisis, my own lack of skills. In its most metaphysical form and shape, my existential crisis is really my own struggled attempts to refuse to see the material world for what it truly is: a profoundly empty and meaningless void at the end of chaos and useless chatter. Yes, you may even say that this crisis has enabled me to tune out the babble and the commotion of the social chaos inherent in modern civilization. I was diseased, and am still diseased, but this has been and still is my road to recovery; my spiritual and metaphysical journey towards the infinite and eternal truth at the summit of the mountain.

    Quantity, instrumentality, practicality, multiplicity and division; the horrors beneath it all opened up a vast emptiness and this was the beginning for me, for the new men; it made me realize how unnatural this metaphysical aberration that the modern world truly is and how most men couldn't be helped, and that some men are truly lost. Yes, at first this made me nihilistic and useless, but this also planted the seed that led me to this moment, that led me to realize that yes, most men are lost but I am not lost and the world is not lost; it made me realize the meaning and need of destruction, as a necessary part of the cosmological order, something that would seem foreign, I am sure, to most modern men.

    I believe in the small road, but size has not importance in the order of contingencies in the metaphysical domain, and this is why initiation is crucial, and this is my attempt at initiation, my attempt to preserve essential truths for the new age to come, after the final cataclysm at the close of the Kali Yuga, when God's divine vengeance will shatter the profane delusion of the end of history. Yes, this is my contribution to the future: not existential and metaphysical confusion, but clarity and guidance – seek the light, the eternal truth.

Reginald Drax – January 12, 2026.