Answering Readers, Part 1

Biblical (תַּנַ״ךְ) depiction of
the flight from Sodom and Gomorrah

Marital Concerns |
Wednesday – June 17, 2026

I have been invited by one of my readers to answer some of his questions about his marital concerns. Before I proceed to do so, I must first state that I am not a professional, professional in the sense of holding any kind of state issued or approved certificate. It is also my policy to never reveal personal details about my readers, unless the person seeking my advice has explicitly stated that doing so (revealing certain personal details) is okay. In this instance—the first post in this series as it happens—Mr. Abdalla Hossain has explicitly approved of me using his name in this post.

    Mr. Abdalla Hossain asks: "Hello Mr. Dutt! My wife is frustrated about our love life and keeps saying that I need to stop wanting so much sex. We are married now since 2011 and I just don’t know how to deal with her? Should I listen to her or should I consider getting a second wife? ... Regards, Abdalla Hossain".

    First of all Mr. Hossain, what you are expressing in your rather personal letter to me is certainly a kind of frustration, a frustration that may or may not be understandable. See, before you can deal with or understand your wife and her concerns, you must look within yourself: is there a reason why my wife is acting up? Does my wife love me? Is she (your wife) in some kind of pain? These are fairly obvious and important questions to always ask yourself whenever you find yourself in marital troubles, really whenever you encounter issues of this nature. The big problem here (the animating issue within your marriage) appears to be sensual in nature; but you see, sensual matters are not disconnected from interpersonal matters, because what we are dealing with here is not one person but two persons, and if we consider the major metaphysical traditions of the world, such as Islam and Christianity, it becomes clear fairly quickly that one of the purposes of marriage is to bridge that gap between the two (or sometimes more) persons involved, the husband and his wife/wives, and if indeed a situation, like the one you appear to find yourself in, happens the issue at its core is actually never really sensual but one of a kind of mismatch between expectations, a dissonance of intentions. See, if the core of marriage is to bridge two or more persons, to join them, into one unity (holy matrimony within the Christian faith), then this unity must represent a kind of identity between the husband and his wife/wives. The real question then becomes this: why is there no identity here, that is within your marriage? See, you must turn to doctrine in order to really understand how to deal with this issue, and since you belong to Islam the case is fairly obvious: your wife must obey you; but the fact that your wife must obey you is not enough reason to move on and never understand her position. Yes, it appears that you are eager to engage in the sensual arts, which again may or may not be understandable, but another question to be answered here—only you may answer this question—is why you are so frustrated with your wife, or rather why it is the case that you appear to be in need of a lot of "the sensual"? Now, this may only be my interpretation of your situation, but you must understand the purpose of the sensual arts, read "My Views on Celibacy", because if your intention is out of tune with God (Allah, الله) then frictions of this kind should be expected, especially since you are the head of the household, because these things are not, as previously stated, merely symptoms of sensual frustration; they are symptoms of something much more profound, and perhaps a rift between you and your wife. If you seek to become a unity with your wife you must rectify this rift, not with her but with God, for only this can truly bring her back into the unity. See, the point is that you must remain unmovable; she must move towards you, and in turn you must move towards God. Also, ask yourself this: is my need for "the sensual" an addiction, read "Further Notes on Addiction"? I should add as well, that there is no such thing as love, at least not in the colloquial sense of that word, but for more on that I direct you, and all other readers, to my post about Romance.

    Now, having made those points clear, we may move forward to the more corporeal concerns in the situation at hand. Mr. Abdalla Hossain asks if he should consider marrying a second wife, a perfectly legitimate question in this situation and many situations similar to the situation at hand; If you are interested in the matter, metaphysical or not, of polygamy (polygyny specifically), you may read more about polygamy/polygyny here. Now, from the point of view of most Islamic scholars, it would be perfectly fine for you to marry another woman, but the question that must be sought and answered is whether or not the rift between you and your first wife would actually become resolved by you going on to marry a second wife? Further, if you do indeed marry a second wife, how can you know that a similar rift may not occur between you and her? After all, there is a Christian saying that goes like this: a divided house [may] not stand (Et si domus super semet ipsam divisa fuerit, non stabit) (Matthew 12:25), and this would be no less true in your situation, and the fact that you belong to the Islamic tradition is hardly reason to just push this concern aside. If you hope that a marriage to a new wife will resolve the sensual concerns, you are likely correct, but then again this will not resolve the rift between you and your first wife, and it will not protect against similar problems with you and your new wife. Further, it is also likely to be the case that if you bring a new wife into the household, that she will create further rifts between you and your first wife, and depending on the particular jurisdiction that you reside in, read "The Problem of Borders", your first wife may very well be empowered by the law to seek divorce, in ways that may not be approved of by Islam (Khula خلع or Faskh فسخ), read "The Law of the Land" and "Should You Break Rules?".

    At the end of the day, at least two things must happen within your marriage: you must move towards God, and only then can she properly move toward you; and this is the case whether or not you go on to marry more wives later. It is also understandable that you would ask whether or not you should listen to her (your wife) but by dealing with these issues you are actually listening to your wife, because what matters here is what God wills, not what you or your wife is expressing as mere human confusions, and only when you are in tune with God may you go on to live in true unity with your wife/wives. Really, nothing else can truly unify you and your wife, and in turn resolve the matters that frustrate you at any given moment within this unity.

Reginald Drax (AKA, M. C. Dutt) – June 17, 2026.